Sorry [insert your name here] you’re not as cool as you thought.

Sorry [insert your name here] you’re not as cool as you thought.

You get to a certain age when you start to figure it out. Don’t get me wrong, you’re not even close to getting there yet, but you’ve finally realized what it takes to get wherever “there” is. It’s kind of a weird feeling — actually being right more than you’re wrong. It’s like one day everything changed and the same people who were always riding your ass — now actually value your opinion on some things. Weird right? Not even Aristotle could have predicted that growing up, just a bit, feels kind of good!

But let’s be honest, it doesn’t take a rocket scientist to figure out why people are starting to treat you differently. It’s simple. You are starting to treat yourself differently. You’ve become dependable, you do what you say you are going to do, and you’ve probably had this self-defining moment where you realize:

A.    I’m at a store.

B.    I’m at a store in a mall.

C.     I’m at a store in a mall that sells clothes.

D.    I’m at a store in a mall that sells clothes that actually make you look nice.

Don’t be completely crazy. You still always make a stop by Auntie Anne’s pretzels for obvious reasons, but that was not the sole reason for your trip to the mall.

Now that you are acting like an adult, being treated like an adult, and dressing like an adult, you develop a bit of a strut to your walk. You should, that’s what people do when they start doing things well and start dressing in new ballin ass clothes — they strut. As you can see, I was starting to get a big head. That is, until I spent a day back at my childhood home.

Things were going normal. It was nice to visit with the parents and play with the dogs. I was even getting a bit of work done as I’m really trying to stay on top of the ball. Never being one to turn down a home-cooked meal, it didn’t take much convincing to get me to stay for dinner. We planned to eat around 6, which was a little early for me, but you don’t get to be choosy when a meal is being prepared for you. I glanced up at the clock and it was just a few minutes before 5 and oddly enough my stomach started to growl. It was kind of weird because I usually eat very late. But we weren’t eating until 6 right? So I decided to cut myself one of the brownies that I had seen earlier in the pan by the stove.

Nonchalantly, I cut a very average-sized brownie portion and walked back to the table where I was working. And that’s when I heard my mother’s voice echo throughout the house,

“DO NOT EAT THAT BROWNIE! YOU ARE GOING TO RUIN YOUR APPETITITE!”

For a split second I literally froze. What does this woman mean that I can’t have a brownie!?

I’M A MAN! This guy (pointing two thumbs to my chest) is shaving multiple times a week now, owns a casserole crockpot, and clearly knows the implications that this brownie may potentially have on my appetite… And I am prepared to deal with those consequences!!!! How dare someone try and dictate my dietary decisions. I make important judgement calls every day for clients with a lot on the line. I am even a college professor for fucks sake. How can someone talk to me this way!? The only person that can tell me what to do and that I may actually listen to is…..oh wait, my mother. And if my father can get a word in, him too.

They may drive you crazy and badger you about your insufficient attempts to procreate. But there’s one thing parents are great at, and that is that they don’t give a damn how cool you think you are. They will tell you exactly the way they see it, and every once in awhile, we all should be told the one thing we need to hear:

Sorry [insert your name here] you’re not as cool as you thought.

Go spend some time with your family. They’ll slap your hand for making assumptions that you are entitled to that dessert before dinner and make sure you stay humble and hungry.